In the previous posts I shared a bit about anxiety and it’s symptoms and steps to figure out why and where it’s coming from. I am not a doctor, I don’t have a PH.D nor am I a psychologist all I’m sharing is from experience. I am opening myself up to share with you where I was and where I am now.
What is a panic attack? Some may experience an anxiety attack which is similar but the panic cranks it up a few notches.
According to June Hunt in her book, How to Handle Your Emotions, panic attacks are sudden, brief episodes of intense fear with multiple physical symptoms (such as heart palpitations and dizziness) but without any precipitating external threat.
Panic attacks are typically unexpected, “out of the blue” experiences. The first time they occur, people are usually involved in normal activities such as shopping or walking outdoors. Suddenly a barrage of frightening sensations strikes them, lasting just a few seconds to a few minutes. (some I’m aware of up to one hour) .
Panic attacks can recur at any time. Sufferers know that just the fear of having another attack can trigger one-and so these episodes take on a life of their own.
Panic attacks can be considered fear out of control.
I get panicky feelings just talking about this and reliving the memories. Here is my story:
At the age of 3 fear (false evidence appearing real) entered my life, by situations beyond my control. I always had a feeling of uneasiness, during the night when I would be sleeping if I heard a clock ticking it would bring on panicky feelings. When I was a child I had kidney problems so I was sickly a lot of the time, I’d get a fever from the infection and panicky feelings would come. My sister would take me outside and tell me to breath and to look at the stars and the moon. Little did she know that those distractions helped to clear my mind. I always knew of the Lord as I was raised in a Christian home but I didn’t know how much of a connection He would play in guiding me through this journey.
I fully surrendered my life to Him in December of 1999, in February 2000 I met my Mr. Right. We fell madly in love and I entered into a world I didn’t know existed. God was at the forefront of everything this family did, from morning family devotional Bible reading to playing worship music in church and jamborees. I finally thought I felt peace, but I also put expectations on myself of trying to be perfect. Perfect in my attitude, actions, words, my quiet time with the Lord, keeping my house immaculate, homeschooling my kids, helping my husband outside with the ranch work plus feeding my family home cooked meals. Not to mention keeping myself healthy and trim. I’m exhausted just listing all these expectations I placed on myself. During all this I would get overwhelming feelings and would just take deep breaths all the time. I had so much stress internally that I had no clue how to process it, I would pray to the Lord about all my feelings but continue to carry them instead of giving them to Him.
Well, the year 2012 came and it was a year of H-E-double hockey sticks! My husband’s two sisters had life changing experiences that we as a family burdened ourselves with, we were all totally consumed. Then in June my daughter and I were driving down the highway, I had the cruise on, I went to pass a big truck. The cruise kicked back in but continued to go past 110kms, soon we were climbing to 160kms with no brakes working. My daughter said, “mommy it feels like we are on a roller coaster!” I said, “just pray baby!” Well all I could think of to do was gear down to first and finally we finally stopped.
In July my mom was involved in a head on collision, she spent over a month in the hospital where my 2 sisters and I took turns helping to look after her, a 2 and 1/2 hour drive from where I lived.
On September 22, our dear friend that worked beside us at our Ranch got his wish and had a major heart attack in a pen full of cattle. We all watched him take his final breaths into the arms of Jesus. The trucker told me I should go in the vehicle and stay with my kids but I didn’t want to leave Stan’s side. My husband was laughing at how his best friend got his desired wish, I was in shock.
It’s amazing how people deal with emotions differently. Life went on as normal but I wasn’t normal. I started feeling really nauseous with no appetite. I was still keeping up with my “perfect” duties and on December 13 we planned a church function with a supper and a movie. It was a Friday, I’m vacuuming my house, on the phone organizing and doing my daughter’s hair when “out of the blue,” my eye started getting flashes in one corner. Fear gripped me, what is happening? All of a sudden everything started to spin and everything was going fast. On our way to the church function I got my husband to drop me off at the ER. The doctor did some basic tests and asked if I was stressed, um just a little bit. He said don’t stress and you’ll be just fine, your having a stress attack. Well this stress attack made me a walking, talking panic attack. For the next year I couldn’t eat, sleep or even breath at times. Especially when the darkness came, it felt like it was going to engulf me. I spent the rest of 2012 on the couch, shaking in fear. I finally decided to go to the doctor to get help. The doctor sent me for grief counseling that lasted for 6 weeks. The couselor felt there was something more, so I went back to another doctor for a second opinion. In the meantime, I’m still having these attacks everywhere I went, I felt like I was just holding on for dear life!
My home life was a mess, my husband was at the end of his rope and my kids wondered where did our happy mommy go? On the way home from a Bible study I was listening to a Focus on the Family broadcast on the radio called, Shedding a light on depression. I sat in my car in my garage and bawled like a baby. Finally I heard someone understand what I was gong through. I told my husband you have to listen to this, this is my struggle.
The doctor with the second opinion gave me a checklist, at the top it said, anxiety and depression. I thought I’m not depressed am I and what’s anxiety? He told me your fading away and you need to get this under control before it controls you.
Join me next time, as I tell the rest of the story….
Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. 1 Corinthians 3-4
This is a song that bring me comfort, and hopefully it will give you some too. Oh My Soul by Casting Crowns.
💕 Cilla
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